“Sexy Beast” or Just “Beast”?

Couldn’t not reference this pun. Source linked. It’s a t-shirt!

I was going to begin with a Miriam-Webster definition of attractiveness, but that’s not terribly helpful, is it? I guess the truth is, I want to vent about my self-image frustrations.

The thing is, I’ve never been all that attractive. Back in the days of being 20 stone (300 pounds/136 kilos) I look an awful lot better, but I’m never going to be Brad Pitt, however much I work. See the picture at the bottom for a comparison.Even with all this in mind, I’m hurt when a woman says that my body is not her favourite thing about me.

Let me give you a for instance. At a party I met an absolutely beautiful woman with whom I began to talk, flirt and mock. We fooled around and I bullied her a little about a guy who was following her around like a puppy.

Weeks pass and we chat occasionally on Facebook. One time while drunk-messaging, she lets slip that she’s had a crush on me since the party. I utterly disbelieve her and CCQ her about three times before I’m willing to allow for the possibility and agree to a date. The date was wonderful – she was clearly really attracted to me, and wanted to pursue the relationship further. Nonetheless, my body image issue got in the way later and could have seriously messed things up had she not had experience dealing with the crazies.

Unfortunately, my mind seems to see attractiveness (with relation to me, anyway) in a very binary kind of way. Either you think I look good or you don’t. There’s no grey area. Of course, that’s not how I’m attracted to people. I can be attracted to this element and not that, and come to an overall “yes please” conclusion without the bad things being the be all and end all.

I think I need to find some sort of middle ground. I know I’ll never be a swaggering, self-confident fat guy like James Cordon or Gnarles Barkley (yes, random. They’re the two that came to mind, okay?). I also don’t have to believe that I have the looks of a cathedral grotesque. There has to be a middle ground and I need to find it. I need to come to terms with the idea that someone can be attracted to me despite rather than because of my body. I need to come to terms with the idea that that’s a good thing.

Before, after and "as if"

Before, after and “as if”.

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30 Days Challenge: Day 28: What attracts you to someone

Well, I think we’ve discussed before what can instigate a crush, so let’s talk a little about what I look for in something long-term.

I’ve dated different body types and nationalities, so much as it’s a cliché, appearance doesn’t massively effect that tingly feeling in my chest and doesn’t cause me to think about a person at odd times of the day.

I think the thing is chemistry. If we have good chemistry, if we can talk or not talk for hours without being uncomfortable, if we can watch and mock TV together, or if we can share utterly stupid inside jokes. I’m kind of weird, so I really appreciate when someone is willing to be weird with me.

The truth is, although I have a sex drive like anyone else, it’s not the thing I miss most about being in a relationship. Not even close. I like the shared, open and close relationship that’s really hard to achieve outside of a relationship.

To clarify, I think it’s harder for men to have that kind of relationship, as many men are afraid of seeming ‘gay’ with their other friends. Much as I’ve complained about being a gay friend in the past, I wouldn’t trade those relationships for ones with hetero-normative men, because I know that nine times out of ten I wouldn’t get the kind of support and love I get from the close friendships I have.

I posted on Facebook recently that “there are no likeable hetero-normative men in my novel. This could be a problem.” The truth is, I’m far too open, honest and ridiculously emotional to conduct a lot of close relationships with that kind of guy, so I find it rather difficult to relate to them.

Anyway, all of this is beside the point. If I had to summarise this post in one sentence it would be this: I’m attracted to a person we can have honest conversations and silly fun in equal measure. Anything else is just topping.

Relationships, Singledom and Emo…ness

You know that guy on cheesy American sitcoms who is afraid of commitment but loves sex? I never really understood that guy. I’ve been in relationships where I don’t see it progressing further, and that’s important to be honest about, but to be wholly and generally anti-serious? I don’t get that.

Equally, I don’t understand the people who can’t be friends with the gender they’re attracted to. I don’t really understand how sexual attraction can short circuit a friendship. God knows I understand the frustration it can cause – I’m considering hiring out my over-developed gay friend skills* in the Yellow Pages – but it’s never stopped me from being a good friend to those people who I already thought were awesome.

I have lots of attractive, awesome female friends. Many of these friendships began as crushes on my part, but developed into strong platonic relationships. As someone who is primarily straight and definitely single, this can be quite frustrating at times. I suppose this post is to remind me (and anyone else in my position) that sex isn’t what makes a strong relationship, and to be thankful to the people in my life and on my international friends’ lists. It’s also because my complaining about it is both churlish and irritating even to my ears, so I’m trying to get it out of my system.

That said, I am still looking for the right Her (as one of those friends would put it) to curl up with on a too-small sofa or bed to laugh at terrible TV and to cuddle on a bad day.

So, yeah. Line under saying this shit outloud. Suck it up, Dainty.

From my playlist, this song seemed most appropriate:

*Gay Friend: (n) 1. Regardless of gender or sexuality, a gay friend is a very close friend who is never thought of sexually or romantically, but who continues to be surportive.
2. Someone with excessive training in the Friend Zone.
Etymology: from the genderless, supportive friends of cinematic romantic leads.

 

 

30 Days Challenge: Day 21: Short goals you wish to fulfill by the end of the month

Let’s say the end of October, since it’s the 24th of September and there’s no overestimating my laziness. So, here’s the plan:

1) I want to type up the pieces of novel I have in notebooks into the main manuscript. I’ve been writing in bits and bats around work, commuting to work, sleeping or socialising. It needs typing up and I want a Galaxy Note.

2) I don’t know about any more, to be honest. I can think of a kiss or two I’d like to steal, but I’m not putting that here due to being a crazy person. I dunno. Maybe lose some weight? Mainly the writing thing really.

3) I’d like my Spanish to be palpably better. I’m told that karaoke will help. This from the linguist friend who gave me “priest tacos on a stick”.

Mmmmm… monotheistic…

This has been a typically coherent party political broadcast from your friendly neighbourhood Brit in Mexico.

Insomnia: SMM

Sucks. It really does. I’m not sure what sadistic mental motherfuckery makes it appropriate for the psychological inland revenue to come poking around 4 hours before I have to drag my ass across town and be a teacher, but it really fucking sucks.

Ah. That’s a little better actually. Sometimes you need to use phrases like “sadistic mental motherfuckery” at 1am to really know you’re alive.

There’s nothing on my mind that affects my present – just a recent out-of-character shitty action and its consequences that I keep thinking about. Yeah, I know. Karma. It’s not going to make my class any better in a few hours, though, is it?

 
All that having been said, if anyone wants to buy me a t-shirt or five with “sadistic mental motherfuckery” on the chest, I would readily accept them.

30 Days Challenge: Day 11: A letter to one of your exes

Dear JRP,

We haven’t spoken for a while. I think you’ve blocked me in most ways we might communicate. I think it’s because of something I did after we broke up. Whatever, that’s not what this letter’s about.

I just wanted to say that what happened between us hurt me a lot. You went from thinking I was amazing to barely tolerating my presence in the space of four months. Just as the first helped my confidence massively, the second knocked me down. I think that’s why I was sent reeling and rebounding right after.

I am sorry things didn’t work out, because I thought you were pretty amazing too. Still, you’ve taught me a lesson about going too fast and mistaking ‘new relationship energy’ for ‘forever’. I couldn’t go back, since I think we’ve both seen sides of each other we’d rather we hadn’t. Nonetheless, I’d still like to be your friend. Drop me a line sometime.

A.

30 Days Challenge: Day 9: Your definition of love

I was going to skip this as ‘trite’ with a sarcastic comment, then I saw an angle to go at it from, so I’m actually going to talk about this.

Firstly, I’m not going to talk about the love for family or friends. Much as both have supported me through so much that I may not be here today without certain members of either group, I think it’s an easier question to answer, much as it is often far more important than romantic love in certain points in one’s life.

Anyway, I think the route to everlasting love goes through two stages. First, you have the douchy-analytical cum optimistic phase, followed later by what I’m going to call the You Did What?! phase.

First, you find someone attractive in one (or more) of three ways: aesthetic appeal, sexual appeal and social appeal.

A lot of people might say that “aesthetic appeal” and “sexual appeal” are the same thing. I disagree. Have you never found someone attractive whom you didn’t want to sleep with? To most people, the answer is yes. To the rest of you, I think you should consider either your standards or your honesty with yourself.

The example I often use for aesthetic appeal is Kiera Knightly. She has an appealing look and a friendly face. I really enjoy watching her in movies and listening to her accent1. That said, I’m not sexually attracted to her. My personal taste runs to women with more womanly curves. A friend once joked that there’d be “nothing to play with” once you had a slender girl like Ms. Knightley in bed. I’d still happily watch her in any movie she popped up in.

Love love love her storyline in Love Actually.

Secondly is sexual attraction. Everyone has their type, interests, turn-ons or whatever else you want to call that spark that makes you Want someone with a capital W. Most people understand that on an instinctive level, so I won’t bother going into here.

Lastly is what I called “social appeal”. It’s not a perfect label, but it represents your desire to talk to someone and to be around them. It’s your desire to be their friend. For some people it’s cinematic, musical, political or comedic compatibility. Whatever it is, it’s that thing that makes friends into best friends and fuck buddies into partners.

This is the clincher, I think, when it comes to love. If you have the last with at least one other type of appeal, you’ve really got something. It’s at this point that many people say the L word. Sometimes it’s a door to pass through to get to the real stuff, other times it’s just new relationship energy given control of the mouth, and in others still it’s a verbalisation of proto-love – the stuff that inevitably leads there, but before the You Did What?! stage.

The You Did What?! stage is the most important one for longevity, I think It’s knowing all the worst, shittiest things about each other and still wanting to curl up together to watch bad TV. If you can survive the worst of your past, then with just a little work, you can survive anything as a team. This stage also involves coming to terms with anything they are or do every day. Perhaps not easy, but if it’s right it’s right. If there’s something you know you can’t live with forever, then you’re just treading water.

Okay, that did turn out a little trite, and you mileage may of course vary. This is my opinion based on a number of needlessly complicated relationships. But basically, love is facing shit as a team, rather than a pair of singles players2.

1I think I’ve spoken on this blog of my love of accents before. Therefore it shall go undiscussed now.
2Ew, sports metaphor! Get it off, get it off!