To catch up those who don’t know, I was diagnosed with depression a year or two ago after I took a breakup particularly hard. I’ve always been emotional, but I was starting to hit some dangerous lows, so I was started on a course of drugs.
A few months ago, I made the decision to stop. I actually felt better off the drugs. My head was clearer, I was enjoying unfiltered emotions and I thought I was good to go.
Then, this last month, I hit a low I was really struggling to get out of. Everything with my new girlfriend, my job and my ex-girlfriend was a deep personal slight, even when not meant as such. I figured it would pass. I was wrong.
After self-harming during a fight with my gf, I decided it was time to go back onto the drugs. Since they’re available here in Mexico like candy, I chose the drug I had entered the country using, rather than the ones I had experimented with since. I guess I’ve decided that the mental clarity is not worth the difficulty I’ve been having in dealing with my lows.
The thing is, as it’s been explained to me, it’s not a massively understood science. One drug will affect different people in different ways and levels of intensity. They also demand a week or three for the body to get used to them. This means that right now, my brain is muddy, pessimistic and more than a little nihilistic. The second death of my laptop last night kept we awake for two hours I really needed for sleep. The best emotion I can manage at the moment is distraction. I’m not even sure that is an emotion.
I’m having difficulty concentrating or working (the latter more so than even my usual lazy self gives me), my always-irritable digestive system is being very angry and political at the moment, while I wander through life in a half-awake daze.
I really need this drug to communicate with my body soon, or –
Something moved in the corner of my eye and I lost the end of that sentence. The thing is, I’m feeling kind of numb, which means I’m less likely to self-harm. I’m also less likely to enjoy anything right now. Just ticking along is a bit of a struggle at the moment. No, not struggle. It’s just so slow. Everything seems snail-like in both speed and importance.
Ew – let’s leave the emo-imagery for the moment, shall we?
Since my laptop is dead again, I’ll be spending the weekend watching videos on YouTube and reading “Kushiel’s Dart” because Felicia Day told me to. I’ll try to do it in the sun at some point, since conventional wisdom is that the sunshine helps. It’s one thing that’s certainly not in short supply here in Mexico. I just wish my mood matched.
*The next post will be based on something entertaining. I promise.