On Starting a Course of Anti-Depressants*

To catch up those who don’t know, I was diagnosed with depression a year or two ago after I took a breakup particularly hard. I’ve always been emotional, but I was starting to hit some dangerous lows, so I was started on a course of drugs.

A few months ago, I made the decision to stop. I actually felt better off the drugs. My head was clearer, I was enjoying unfiltered emotions and I thought I was good to go.

Then, this last month, I hit a low I was really struggling to get out of. Everything with my new girlfriend, my job and my ex-girlfriend was a deep personal slight, even when not meant as such. I figured it would pass. I was wrong.

After self-harming during a fight with my gf, I decided it was time to go back onto the drugs. Since they’re available here in Mexico like candy, I chose the drug I had entered the country using, rather than the ones I had experimented with since. I guess I’ve decided that the mental clarity is not worth the difficulty I’ve been having in dealing with my lows.

The thing is, as it’s been explained to me, it’s not a massively understood science. One drug will affect different people in different ways and levels of intensity. They also demand a week or three for the body to get used to them. This means that right now, my brain is muddy, pessimistic and more than a little nihilistic. The second death of my laptop last night kept we awake for two hours I really needed for sleep. The best emotion I can manage at the moment is distraction. I’m not even sure that is an emotion.

I’m having difficulty concentrating or working (the latter more so than even my usual lazy self gives me), my always-irritable digestive system is being very angry and political at the moment, while I wander through life in a half-awake daze.

I really need this drug to communicate with my body soon, or –

Something moved in the corner of my eye and I lost the end of that sentence. The thing is, I’m feeling kind of numb, which means I’m less likely to self-harm. I’m also less likely to enjoy anything right now. Just ticking along is a bit of a struggle at the moment. No, not struggle. It’s just so slow. Everything seems snail-like in both speed and importance.

Ew – let’s leave the emo-imagery for the moment, shall we?

Since my laptop is dead again, I’ll be spending the weekend watching videos on YouTube and reading “Kushiel’s Dart” because Felicia Day told me to. I’ll try to do it in the sun at some point, since conventional wisdom is that the sunshine helps. It’s one thing that’s certainly not in short supply here in Mexico. I just wish my mood matched.



*The next post will be based on something entertaining. I promise.


8 thoughts on “On Starting a Course of Anti-Depressants*

  1. This is a really brave subject to talk about. If you have a good doctor, they should be able to talk to you about the different types of depression. Such as reactive vs. endogenous. Drugs can be helpful for getting you out of the slump, I’ve heard a lot of people say this, but if the depression comes on in response to real events (reactive), then the drugs can be a bit patchy. The trick is, to work out when and why the depression comes on, and take it from there. xx

    • Yeah, thanks. Honestly, I don’t know. It feels like a chemical change in that I can’t identify something that could’ve brought me down other than stress and self-image. The truth is, I don’t know how to drag myself out of it alone – my personality type is prone to navel-gazing.

  2. I found your blog by following the link from your GoodReads profile. I, too, am a fan of Felicia Day and I keep meaning to catch up with Vaginal Fantasy one of these months… If you’ve started “Kushiel’s Dart” I’d love to hear what you think of if. Might sway me to get on Vaginal Fantasy wagon (haha, funny image, to me at least!) sooner rather than later.

    I know we are strangers, but I want to tell you that I think your post is brave. I hope that you begin to feel better soon. Please take care.


  3. You have my sympathy and admiration – sympathy, because I think I understand where you’re coming from, and admiration, because you have the courage to talk about this so openly. I wish I had something more constructive to offer; if there’s anything I can do to help, you know where to find me. You only have to ask.

  4. Pingback: 30 Days Challenge: Day 3: About your friends | Kosmopolite

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